Top 25 Ways Motherhood Changes You

1. You can identify which restaurants have baby changing stations.
2. You know where the curb cuts are.
3. You know which entrance to go to in the malls, mainly for their “Handicap Accessible” door opening buttons.
4. You know which stores to avoid because their aisles are too narrow for your baby’s ride.
5. You go to a nice night out with your husband, go to touch up your makeup and find Sophie in your purse.
6. You know who Sophie is.
7. Dr. Sears has replaced Dr. Dre for your Ed-ucation.
8. Getting puked on is no longer an event fueled by too many Irish Car Bombs on your BFFs behalf; it is a weekly occurrence cause by a bottle of a different kind.
9. When you go for a Mom’s Night Out, you act like it is Welcome Week in college and have to be carried home by the one sober mom who has already done this before and is still in the “I am never drinking again” mode.
10. You don’t find the idea of a minivan so repulsive…you secretly covet one but cling to your SUV because of the stigma.
11. The 5 second rule turns into the 5 minute rule.
12. You would almost stalk the local daycare for a good babysitter. Almost.
13. When you take your little one out for a meal, you have already created an exit strategy before getting seated.
14. What the HELL did you used to do with your free time???
15. Your role model has switched from Anna Wintour to Jo Frost.
16. Amazon Mom has given you the ability to not ever have to leave your house, triple your credit card bill and purchase amazing, worthless products that you swore you needed when you logged in after the 2AM feeding (YES you needed that Belly Bandit- it promised to take inches off your waistline while you sat your ass on the couch and scarfed ice cream “for the calcium it provides”).
17. You find yourself doing ANYTHING to get your kid to stop crying, eat, sleep, etc…Those actions might include driving in circles in the middle of the night, laughing maniacally, baby talk, and bribes.
18. You think too much TV is surely not good for your kid, but cannot give up keeping E! on in the background during the day.
19. The greatest fear you have outside of the your child getting hurt is the day you have to wear a bathing suit in public.
20. Sometimes a bathroom break turns into a 30 minute reading session just so you have some time to yourself.
21. You go from “Does this make me look fat?” to “Does this make me look still pregnant?”
22. You have told a SMALL fib at the pediatrician’s office on the benchmark well checks (of COURSE little Sebastian can switch toys from one hand to the other!) while frantically Googling how important this milestone is and freaking out that you missed the fact that it was supposed to happen by now.
23. The UPS driver not only knows to knock instead of ringing the doorbell, but inquires as to your baby’s current sleeping habits and number of teeth that have come through.
24. “Clean” becomes a relative term.
25. You never thought hangovers could be as bad as they are when you have to take care of kids on top of feeling like you got run over by a Mack truck.